it has been such a crappy day. i felt depressed and hopeless before i randomly decided to log in to my tumblr, which has been untouched for a few months and it surprisingly made me feel better.
merely skimming through some entries, made me realize that the bad stuff that happens will always keep coming my way, it’s never ending.
but everything came and went, and through all the downs, there were several ups. i hope that even though i continue with all these downs littering my path, and knowing that i will have to work much harder than before for what i want, there will continue to be several ups that keep motivating me, pushing me, supporting me, and loving me.
one aspect of my life will be great, but another will suffer. never have all of them been perfect at once. i guess you can’t win them all…. but i’m going to try to get as close as possible.
"Be happy with yourself first, don’t expect "the perfect man" to swoop in and magically give you self confidence and make life wonderful. I suppose this works for all genders."
“The only person you can ever really depend on is yourself. NEVER put yourself in a situation where you are entirely dependent on another person for the ins and outs of your life. I’m talking about a roof over your head, finances, a car, etc. A relationship isn’t something you need to be whole. A relationship is the bonus you get for being whole.”
"when you’re dating someone, usually "I" turns into "we". That is a good thing. However when you spend more time focusing on several "we’s" and not enough "I", that’s when you start to lose yourself."
"Always keep a $20 in your wallet, a $50 would be even better. Never spend it and put it in a secret place in your wallet where you won’t be tempted to. If you are ever in a situation at a guy’s house, at a party, anywhere else and you think some bad shit is going to happen to you, then you have enough money to get a cab and get away from there. ALWAYS have a way out from wherever you are."
"The love you see in movies is not real. Falling in love and the early stages certainly can feel like that but fights will happen. When he doesn’t chase you when you act crazy don’t be surprised. On that note, most relationship fights don’t end up with you guys making up in the rain."
and of course there’s other common sense ones such as how to change a tire, don’t wear white undergarments under white clothing as it shows more, etc etc.
the other day, my mom broke her tooth while biting on some pork rib thingy. i told her, she needs to go get it fixed, to which she replied, “it’s ok, i’m already in my 50s, no point in fixing it now. i’d be happy just living til i’m 65; old enough to see all my kids get married and have families of their own.
i immediately felt sad when she said that..only 65? i wanted her to be around til she’s like 100…
today, i got mad at her over some stupid stuff, definitely overreacted. she kept apologizing (which if you know my mom, is very unlikely behavior), and holding my hand telling me she was sorry and that she felt terrible and how seeing me cry made her sad….
again, i immediately felt sad..and disappointed in myself for overlooking all the things she does for me, the hard work she puts in daily to give me the life i live, the sacrifices she made, makes, and will make —- never asking anything in return other than i make a future for myself…i felt terrible for overlooking all of that, and all of the times i’ve fucked up and she so easily forgave me without blinking an eye.
i yell at my dad and get angry with him for always nagging me and calling me to remind me of dumb things. he’s always been my number one fan, telling me to pursue what i want, as long as i’m happy…to do my best, and whether it’s a victory or not, he’ll still love me.
i think my parents’ aging is what makes me realize i’m getting older…and the thought of them not being there for me one day makes my heart sink. i know i’ve said it before, but remember —- treat your parents well, make sure they know you love them. through all your failures and successes, i think they’re really the only ones that can ever truly love you unconditionally.
i don’t think i’ll ever really be completely satisfied, i know exactly what i want. it seems to be unattainable though.
of course we know that what you want is not always the same thing as what you need.
with tangible things, i’m happy and grateful just having the things i need…but should this apply to everything in your life? is having what you need a good enough reason to settle, even if it’s not what you want?
maybe i need to lower my standards? change my expectations? stop reading twilight?!? haha
exiting honeymoon stage, now entering complacent, comfortable, lack of effort lane.
I think the emo patients at my work are rubbing off on me, lol
this has been by far, the shittiest year of my life. my dog passed away. she was my first dog ever. she went missing last night, the mailman had left our front gate open. cookie sometimes squeezes through the side gate and into the front yard. last time my brother saw her do this, he yelled at her. this time, she did it and must’ve ran out since she saw the front gate open. my mom and i walked up and down, and around the block, then drove around the area shouting her name in the cold, pouring rain. after a few hours, we gave up and decided to continue searching in the morning, hoping, praying, that someone had taken her in from the rain, or even that she was sitting in a shelter. this morning, our neighbor told us they had seen a dead dog on the street about 2 houses down from us… it was cookie. it was an unimaginable scene; a mess of fresh blood, an almost unrecognizable body. she was on her way home this morning, and almost made it home before some careless person ran her little body over. do people not pay attention when they’re driving? she was literally RIGHT next to the sidewalk, inches away from it… she was going to turn 5 next month. now i’ll never get to feel her tiny body snuggling in my bed again, or sitting at the kitchen table with the family when we eat dinner. i’ll never have her just chillin with me when i watch tv or study, falling asleep in my lap. now cupcake won’t have a big sister to play with anymore. in addition to this, this past week, my mom was in texas for business and she almost got robbed. some man had tried to wrestle her for her purse and she fought him off, while screaming for help. he eventually gave up and jumped into a waiting car. during the police report, they showed her pictures and she was able to ID the man. police said he is dangerous and they have been looking for him. i’m so thankful he wasn’t armed and that she only suffered some bruises and minor injuries. otherwise, i would’ve lost 2 family members in one week. on top of these incidents, totaling my car in a really bad accident over my 25th birthday weekend, a break up with someone I “loved,” (and I thought loved me too…) and several tragedies in the news, i would deem this my shittiest year ever. i know that cookie knew that she had a loving family waiting for her to return home. please be sure that all your loved ones know how you feel about them. ￼ ￼
So I put my faith in something unknown I’m living on such sweet nothing But I’m trying to hope with nothing to hold I’m living on such sweet nothing And it’s hard to learn And it’s hard to love When you’re giving me such sweet nothing