dear mama

the other day, my mom broke her tooth while biting on some pork rib thingy. i told her, she needs to go get it fixed, to which she replied, “it’s ok, i’m already in my 50s, no point in fixing it now. i’d be happy just living til i’m 65; old enough to see all my kids get married and have families of their own.

i immediately felt sad when she said that..only 65? i wanted her to be around til she’s like 100…

today, i got mad at her over some stupid stuff, definitely overreacted. she kept apologizing (which if you know my mom, is very unlikely behavior), and holding my hand telling me she was sorry and that she felt terrible and how seeing me cry made her sad….

again, i immediately felt sad..and disappointed in myself for overlooking all the things she does for me, the hard work she puts in daily to give me the life i live, the sacrifices she made, makes, and will make —- never asking anything in return other than i make a future for myself…i felt terrible for overlooking all of that, and all of the times i’ve fucked up and she so easily forgave me without blinking an eye. 

i yell at my dad and get angry with him for always nagging me and calling me to remind me of dumb things. he’s always been my number one fan, telling me to pursue what i want, as long as i’m happy…to do my best, and whether it’s a victory or not, he’ll still love me.

i think my parents’ aging is what makes me realize i’m getting older…and the thought of them not being there for me one day makes my heart sink. i know i’ve said it before, but remember —- treat your parents well, make sure they know you love them. through all your failures and successes, i think they’re really the only ones that can ever truly love you unconditionally.

everything looks perfect from far away..

the grass really is always greener on the side

i don’t think i’ll ever really be completely satisfied, i know exactly what i want. it seems to be unattainable though. 

of course we know that what you want is not always the same thing as what you need.

with tangible things, i’m happy and grateful just having the things i need…but should this apply to everything in your life?  is having what you need a good enough reason to settle, even if it’s not what you want? 

maybe i need to lower my standards? change my expectations? stop reading twilight?!? haha

exiting honeymoon stage, now entering complacent, comfortable, lack of effort lane. 

I think the emo patients at my work are rubbing off on me, lol 

2012

this has been by far, the shittiest year of my life.  my dog passed away. she was my first dog ever. she went missing last night, the mailman had left our front gate open. cookie sometimes squeezes through the side gate and into the front yard. last time my brother saw her do this, he yelled at her. this time, she did it and must’ve ran out since she saw the front gate open.  my mom and i walked up and down, and around the block, then drove around the area shouting her name in the cold, pouring rain. after a few hours, we gave up and decided to continue searching in the morning, hoping, praying, that someone had taken her in from the rain, or even that she was sitting in a shelter.  this morning, our neighbor told us they had seen a dead dog on the street about 2 houses down from us… it was cookie. it was an unimaginable scene; a mess of fresh blood, an almost unrecognizable body. she was on her way home this morning, and almost made it home before some careless person ran her little body over. do people not pay attention when they’re driving? she was literally RIGHT next to the sidewalk, inches away from it… she was going to turn 5 next month. now i’ll never get to feel her tiny body snuggling in my bed again, or sitting at the kitchen table with the family when we eat dinner. i’ll never have her just chillin with me when i watch tv or study, falling asleep in my lap. now cupcake won’t have a big sister to play with anymore.  in addition to this, this past week, my mom was in texas for business and she almost got robbed. some man had tried to wrestle her for her purse and she fought him off, while screaming for help. he eventually gave up and jumped into a waiting car. during the police report, they showed her pictures and she was able to ID the man. police said he is dangerous and they have been looking for him. i’m so thankful he wasn’t armed and that she only suffered some bruises and minor injuries. otherwise, i would’ve lost 2 family members in one week.  on top of these incidents, totaling my car in a really bad accident over my 25th birthday weekend, a break up with someone I “loved,” (and I thought loved me too…) and several tragedies in the news, i would deem this my shittiest year ever. i know that cookie knew that she had a loving family waiting for her to return home. please be sure that all your loved ones know how you feel about them.   

can i tap out yet? 

i’m not cut out for this

here we go again

and so it begins. O_O 

meant to be

as of today, there’s an estimated 7 billion people on Earth

i find it hard to believe that there is only one perfect person for everyone

so, my friends, keep searching, don’t give up hope, and never settle

chances are, you’re compatible with lots of people

never settle.

many times, i’ll realize, i’ll like someone back simply because they like me and i like the attention

that’s not a good enough reason

if they don’t treat you well, you deserve better.

whether it’s the attention, or the comfort of being with this person for so long,

never settle. 

as i once saw on my friend’s page,

“There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with; love shouldn’t be one of them. Anything less than extraordinary is a waste of my time.”