busy bee

i hate when people get upset at me for “being too busy for them.”

understand that,

i don’t need to see you often to validate our friendship

get the fuck over yourself.

hope for the best, prepare for the worst

this Lent season, i’m not simply doing your typical, “i’m giving up __________.” 

this year, not just for 40 days, but for good, i am going to work on being a better person; a better daughter, sister, friend, student. 

my recent experience has completely changed my outlook on life, making me reevaluate myself, and really putting things in perspective. 

i’m reminded of how blessed, how loved i am. i’m reminded of how precious life is, and how things can change in the blink of an eye. i witnessed the meaning of unconditional love, witnessed my family give it meaning. 

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i thought you guys would stop loving me.”

“never, never, we will always love you, always,” my dad said, repeating it in english and vietnamese. 

and my friends, my friends, who worry about me and are ready to drop everything just to be there for me, go out of their way for me….i am so blessed. 

i feel so humbled by it all, and undeserving. what did i do to deserve this? what did i do to have such good friends and family; to be surrounded by people who won’t leave my side, and continuously pick me up? nothing, i’ve done nothing. i want to change, i want to deserve it. 

flash to the future

how is january already half over? i’m pretty much trying my best to spend time with friends and make moneys before i have to start spring semester at this hell hole we call community college.

baseline: taking 20 units, working 24 hrs/week.

i keep pushing myself, and sometimes i’m scared i’ll just break down and collapse.

but amidst all this, i’ve got breaks in between. i love having something to look forward to, it keeps me going!

the rest of january: seeing my old roomies this weekend, seeing my sd loves next weekend, and my oc loves the weekend after.

february: norcal friends in socal!!! OANH!! hopefully yvonne and jenna toO!! my friend’s back from singapore to visit, my quarter of a century mark…… =/

march: new york, boston, new haven with annie..visiting eddie!!!!

april: coachella!! start apps for grad school…

then it’s all downhill and suffering from here. but that good suffering, where you know it’ll (hopefully) pay off.

let’s go, 2012!

crushed

“Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels.”

- wedding crashers

work hard, play hard

i kept telling myself that moving out of san diego was my chance to get my life together, to escape its familiarity, and drift away from complacency.

finally, after 5 months of being back in orange county, things are all slowly falling into place, and i am mostly smiles.  being busy has its pros and cons, of course.

tues/thurs - classes from 12pm-11pm

mon/wed/fri - work from 10-6

sat - shadowing

sun - rest, relax.

i recently got this internship at the hospital that requires me putting in min. 4hrs/week, so i have to squeeze that in now too.

every day, i feel like i’m going to crash and burn, but the prospect of seeing my friends on the weekend and feeling like i’m a tiny step closer to my goals are MOTIVATION.

it’s not you, it’s me…i just don’t like you anymore

i’ve come to realize that i keep making the same mistake.

a lot of times, i don’t necessarily like something, i just like the idea of it.

as is the case with most of the guys i’ve dated (even if it was only a few dates), i only ever gave them a chance because i thought i liked them, only to realize, i merely liked the idea of them…not THEM as an individual. it could have been anyone who had the right timing; right place and time.

sometimes, i just like the idea of being in a relationship, having a bf. i don’t really care who it is, until i start to get tired of them and slowly quickly lose interest. in the beginning, they’re SO INTERESTING! wow this person is great! they are soooooo exciting! and then you slowly realize, ugh, no, they were never exciting, i was just really bored.

it’s weird how someone can seem so perfect on paper, fit all the things on your ‘checklist,’ but somehow, just be so wrong for you.

lately, i’ve been much busier and i am happy. during the week, i work, go to school, study, and chill with my brother/mom. seriously, sometimes i just hang out with my mom at her office, or sit in my brother’s room and watch tv. the simplicity of these things make me really happy. during the weekends, i see my friends…my sd group, my g6 martians, torrance friends, etc…

i was kind of talking to this guy, but i realized that he doesn’t really cross my mind and i don’t ever miss him. i don’t think to call him, not even text him…but i think about my family and friends a lot, i plan out when i can spend time with them next. i miss them so much, i just don’t think there’s even any more room in my heart to miss anyone else, lol.

i just want to savor these moments with my family and friends before we all have to grow up for reals!~